Just a Rainy Day...

What a day to fit the mood I've been in.

Still continuing on being proactive about everything. I sat and wallowed in my sorrow last year. But, I promised myself that this year would be different.

Upon returning to our old beloved health care provider (my husband's company was able to get the company back on to Kaiser Permanente), I immediately began making appointments for the kids.

I was horrible last year. Upon hearing that my son would possibly be Autistic, I went through a LONG mourning period of coming to grips with what that meant, doing what I had to do just to skate by. I could have done a lot more, but as I mentioned, I was going through my mourning period, afraid I might never recover. I was horrified with the pediatricians that we saw when we were under Blue Shield/Blue cross, and they were like car salesmen, rather than people who actually listened to their patients. We had discussed with one of the pediatricians that we saw the possibility that my son would be AD/HD, and he said that he could write us up a prescription if we wanted one. Can you BELIEVE that? W/out listening to us, he offered to write us up a prescription, like that was a cure-all to what we'd gone thru the past year finding out our son had special needs. I was distraught and hated the health group we were in, and proceeded to have my infant daughter lag behind with her immunization shots.

So, going back with what I said about being back with Kaiser again, I made appointments to find the kids primary physicians, get myself checked out as well and in the process found a Development Pediatrician.

We met w/ him, and it was the FIRST time that my husband and I felt like we were being listened to. We weren't just another family to him. He really listened and answered our questions and WOULDN'T give us a formal diagnosis because he believe that our son would need to have a more thorough assessment. Even though the news wasn't great, it was hopeful and the Development Pediatrician was just overall a blessing to us.

Again, last year I was going through a mourning period. I was crying, wallowing in the "what if's" and "hoping that" and I said that this year would NOT be about "what if's", it would be about "what NEEDS to be DONE and what I am going to do about it".

My husband took the news to heart and it pained me to see him upset, but I felt that I had been the one who wasn't strong last year, and this year was my time to be strong...for all of us. We were referred by the Development Pediatrician to the Kaiser Autism Clinic. We're in the process of filling it out so we can send it off.

I could write and write about everything, but I'll try to save it for another blog.

It has been such an overwhelming experience and I commend all parents out there with special needs children. We're not alone, even though sometimes we feel like we are. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not the ONLY parent out there in the world who is going through this. I know every day a parent is finding out for the first time that their child might have a challenge that needs to be addressed. It is hard to have friends (mostly ones without kids and ones who do, whose children are not special needs children) b/c sometimes they just don't know the heartache, the worry, the depression, the anger, the blame, the mix of emotions that we go through as parents. They DO know, but at the same time they don't know the extent of everything. We keep our chins up in public, when we're secretly breaking inside, but one thing my husband has always told me was that it is important to never let the kids see us like we can't keep it together. NOT saying to act like we're devoid of any real emotion, but to make them feel that we're ALL okay and not to let them worry. Kids are very sensitive and aware of their parents, so I agree it is important to show strength in addition to love when it comes to kids. We are, after all, our kids role models.

What I hope to accomplish by journaling this is hopefully give some insight to people who have friends or know of people who have a child who has special needs to what a parent goes through.

Until another day...