Guilt...

I'm hesitant to write this because I don't know what can come out of it, other than for purposes of just venting. But, once I post this, I'll probably have guilt for just deciding to blog it anyway.

We're in desperate need of a second income and I have a VERY good shot at a job opportunity that I've been interviewing for. I've got a 3rd interview coming up (yup, a 3rd one) and they seem to like me. Hey, after getting a 3rd interview, that has to account for something, right?

But, b/c of my son's challenges, I've been trying to look for daycare for special needs children. My heart just starts beating faster just from blogging this, just from the stress of the idea of it. The other day, I went to a forum, just asking what other parents do in a situation such as this, where they have a special needs child, and how do it, if both parents work, and how they get by, and what they have done for child care for their special needs child. Someone replied, "please take care of your own children". I felt HORRIBLE! I felt like I was an incompetent parent, unable to care for my children. It's NOT that I don't want to take care of them, but what can we do if we need a second income? I don't want people to come back and more so, even bashing me for even having children if I am unable to take care of them, because that is NOT the case AT ALL. I DO take care of them (and I take GREAT care of them)...like no other loving parent can, but the fact is, my children are here, and I thank the special someone above that they are here. My son didn't ask to be born with special needs. It was something that happened, and we do what we need to do to survive. It's not that I WANT to work, but for now, I think it's necessary to have a 2nd income. I think it's healthy to want to work.

No ONE likes to have other parents raising their children, but we live in the Silicon Valley, where housing and renting is INSANE and costly. There are so many things that we could have done differently, but the fact of the matter is, this is where we live, this is the situation we're in. I am NOT asking for handouts and/or pity, but I am asking for a little grace to shed some light on what we can do to survive w/out stressing every moment of the day over our financial situation.

I'm SO excited to have interviewed, as I believe it is always good to interview even if you're not proactively looking...just for the practice and just to see how much one is still *marketable*. I am a GOOD person, who is helplessly flawed, but I do believe in making each day the best I can.

I am overwhelmed, I am stressed and more times than I'd like to verbally admit, I would like to know that someone is watching over us, guiding us, and paving us to have some breathing room. But again, the guilt overpowers me b/c as a parent of a special needs child, I feel like it is my fault (although the doctors say it isn't) that my son has special needs. I feel like things I have done in my past, my son being born with special needs was my punishment. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but I'm being honest and I couldn't live my life w/out being as honest as I can. It's life, right? Nothing is meant to be perfect, just little rocks and thorns to snag our way down the path of life.

Until another day...